I realized something today, that im in the same place I was a year ago... I'm lonely, im tired of the job I have, I'm looking for something new, and I have no motivation to do anything about it. There are days when I dont know why I even bother waking up. When I was younger I always had this fools notion. I wanted to be remembered for something. I wanted my name to be remembered for doing something great. Even when I was in college In the back of my mind I had this stupid idea that I was going to do something with my life. Be somebody. I busted my ass and its gotten me nowhere. I move from one dead end job to another. I talked a lot about how I got my life in order and how I did so much growing up but really did I? Yeah I got a car, thats now suffocating my monthly income along with my student loan paymens. I make a lousy ten dollars an hour in a job that bores the hell out of me. I dont have any motivation do anything better because I realised that im never going to be anything more then some broke loser. Im going to end up just like my dad, living paycheck to paycheck. I thought about all of this yesterday when I was hitting my punching bag and it got me so mad I split open 5 knuckles with out even noticing. I keep trying to fill my head with these stupid pipe dreams. Losing all this weight, getting my design thing in gear, Finding the right person, going on some road trip... I barely make enough money to cover my bills. And as someone at work made it abundantly clear, no one wants to date a broke loser. I dont have any motivation do anything better... I'm tired of trying to pick myself up out of a funk every day. Im sick of putting on a fake smile when I go into work everyday so people dont bitch at me saying "whats the matter?" No one gets me, no one understands me. The only person in my life that really understood me died when I was 14. I went to school for graphic design and I graduated with honors but it doesnt mean shit because I dont have the talent, the drive, or the dedication to do what it takes in the field. Its not like I studied to be something where all you have to do is read shit from a book to understand it. Right now the only thing in my life that even brings me an ounce of happiness is spending time with my friends, writing, and taking pictures, but lately it seems like I dont even feel motivated to write or take pictures. I've been searching for some vindication in life to let me know that all of this is worth it and I know it sounds dumb because im only 20 but I worked my ass off for all of this and I dont have shit to show for it. I keep waiting and trying to find something better in life, some good in it, and everytime I try its taken from me. I went to school to be a graphic artist and ended up working at walmart. Thought I found someone that cared about me but I was dead wrong and ended up alone, Thought I could lose some weight and better myself but im just another loser. I want more out of this life then the shit im given but I know its not going to happen and part of me just doesnt care anymore. Part of me just says fuck it I dont care if this doesnt get paid, or that bill goes by, all I need is my car, and my cigarettes, the rest is pointless. And the other half of me is worried that im fucking up my whole life. I want more but I know im not capable of reaching these so called pipe dreams. There is nothing special about me, nothing different... and I hate myself for it.